At some point in your life you reach a point where you try to figure out who you are beneath the busyness of a career and relationships. That essence of yourself that lays quietly under the stress of your everyday life. If you strip away the petals until all that you see is the seed, what is left?
After decades of straining for my petals to blossom and touch the sun, my attention has focused on the dark quiet soil that surrounds my seed – the essence of who I am.
As a life long people pleaser and a child in a military family that moved often, I learned the art of the chameleon. I perfected the art of shaping myself to fit whatever and whoever I needed to be to fit in to my environment.
It was years into my adulthood (decades, if I’m being honest) that I realized I didn’t really know who I was beneath the roles I inhabited. If I wasn’t being the daughter, wife, mother or friend, who was I? In the early morning hours before the day has officially begun when I softly pad into the kitchen who shows up to gaze at the rising sun?
Always more comfortable in the back corner where I could watch the world in relative anonyminity, I now spend time exploring the cool darkness that surrounds the seed of my authentic self.
I have discovered there is contentment and serenity in the moment in this quiet center. No regrets of the past or worries of the future cloud the clarity of the view that I can see from this place of silence and truth. My challenge is in accessing this hidden door into my soul. I am not always successful in my pursuit, but the best chance to touch this hidden part of myself is always found alone in silence. I need to leave the voices that surround me and find a quiet space, preferably in nature.
Breathing deeply and emptying my mind of the shoulds that cloud my view, I can often glimpse the truth of who I am when no one is looking. The me beneath the petals. I have discovered that this seed of me is not jealous or competitive, it is bathed in loved and acceptance for others – but, most of all, for me. It holds unconditional love and forgiveness. It is a place, when accessed, that envelops me with warmth when the world seems cold. A place I can take a deep breath as the outer world falls away.
The me beneath the petals.